E001X

A few days before arriving at District 8...

Just another day, just another Distortion hunt... a day no different from any other.

<…….>

And I stood there, shoulders slumped, head downcast... watching the Sinners trying to work something out.

Maybe I had my right hand on my clock-equivalent of a forehead.

If this thing in place of my head runs on batteries or something, that's probably where it was because it was starting to get pretty warm up there.

Right! I said RIGHT, not left! I'm sorry, is this a hard concept for everyone? Am I the weird one for being able to tell left from right?

I am... left-handed...

What...? I mean, what does that have to do with any - ?! Aagh!!

Oof... oh man, sorry about that... Looks like I tripped over my own feet. I can tell left from right, by the way.

Guys~ I thought you meant 'right' from that Distortion's perspective!

<O-kay. Guys, everyone...? Let's pull back for now, regroup, and - >

Oi, enough of that nonsense! Charge 'em on three!

<...regroup, and...>

... Three!

... I wonder if he forgot the first two. Oh, or maybe he meant to skip them?

The satiation of that curiosity may hardly be worth the effort of inquiry...

Perhaps, in the inevitable event of a second attempt, it would be advisable to place Heathcliff as a backup unit and place a more level-headed individual in his place.

<... Hey, Faust. Can you check if the contract's still linked? I don't think any of them can hear my voice.>

Executive Manager! I beg of you to forgive my insolence, for I must make an urgent request!

<Ooh...! I knew Outis still had my back...!>

Your tick-tocking noise is proving to be a rather significant distraction to strategizing! Will you please be quiet for a moment?!

<…….>

Outta my way, C.H.

Man...

What's gotten into them today...? They're refusing to listen to a word I'm saying...

<Haah...>

<I wonder if they'll finally learn to work with me once I force them to walk in each other's shoes.>

I guess frustration pushed me to say those words out loud...

With that, I looked away briefly from the battle, only to realize that someone was staring right at me.

…….

<Oh, ahem...>

<I... didn't really mean what I said, Charon. ... Ah, I guess you can't hear me anyway.>

When making wishes...

... no take backsies.

<…?>

After that cryptic exchange, Charon nonchalantly returned to cleaning Mephistopheles as if she hadn't even been looking in my direction.

Well, I guess this is hardly the first time she said something weird.

Surmising that there probably wasn't much to what she said, I slowly turned around to look at the Sinners again...

...! Oi, shrapnels! Watch out!

Watch out over there! Aw crap, manager bud!

I heard the loud and clear clang of something bouncing off a metal plate.

<... Oh?>

My vision flashed black - if such a thing was even possible - and I felt a strong shock to my upper back.

Did I fall on my back?

... -te! A... ou... kay...?

...ou! How dar... ... spea... to the Exec...!

<I think I'm fading...>

... Whatever.

Thinking was becoming increasingly bothersome anyway.

I feel like a slab of lead... Maybe a little nap'll lift my spirits.

... oom. First...

I saw the Sinners gather around me through my blurry, fading vision. And...

<A star, huh...>

... between them, a falling star, shooting off to somewhere.

And after some unknown amount of time...

Oi, Clockhead. Get up.

Mate, get up.

When did I fall asleep...?

That must be Heathcliff trying to wake me up.

Oh, did I hit my head on something and pass out...?

Mate, this ain't the time for a kip, get up...!

Oh, Heathcliff... Always dozing off, always so slow to wake up... And he's got the nerve to get mad when I'd like a few more minutes of shuteye?

Yeah, well... I guess that's who Heathcliff is...

But... that's funny. His voice... sounds slightly higher pitched than it usually does...

Oi, Clockhead! Get off your bloody arse!

<…? …?!?!>

Some... something's wrong. Something's not right.

<S-Sinclair? Was that you? What - is everything alright?>

Oh, 'everything alright?', you say?

Does it seem like everything's alright to you, you bloody muppet?!

<... Hah! Ahaha! W-wow, Sinclair. I didn't know you had it in you to pull a prank like this. Wow...>

M-ma-manager!

What, wh-wha-what do we... what do we do?!

<... This isn't a prank, is it?>

Sinclair, scowling and muttering all kinds of horrible obscenities.

Heathcliff, timidly peeking out from some corner in the far back, trembling.

... Yeah, no. This doesn't make any sense.

... Whatever is going on here, I-I've got to get away!

I jumped to my feet and sprinted full-speed to the corridor to look for other Sinners.

<G-guys! Anyone! Something's wrong with Heathcliff and Sinclair!!!>

<Aaagh?!>

I-I must've ran into someone - Who -

…….

<Ryō-Ryōshū, sorry. I'm kind of in the middle of a crisis right now... Uh, did you - >

...Wait. Why didn't Ryōshū just sidestep me?

I looked up from the ground toward Ryōshū...

... and saw her making an expression I don't think she's ever made - no, an expression I don't think she'll ever, ever make.

Aha, Dante~ Are you alright?

I'm still getting used to this body, so... Looks like I couldn't get out of your way in time. Are you...

The being that inhabited Ryōshū's body reached out to me with a kindly voice.

What is the meaning of this? Is she threatening to cut off my wrist for my carelessness?

Or is this actually happening...?

Whew, that sure was a surprise, wasn't it? Hehe... Come, the other Sinners are all waiting for you at the bus.

Now, grab my hand...

<YEEAAAAAGGHHH!!!!!>

D-Dante! Why are you running on all fours all of a sudden?!

Terror, heightened by the sheer incomprehensibility of the situation, shot through my body as all warmth drained from my extremities. I couldn't even steady myself on my feet before desperately scrambling away.

I, I've, I've got to get the hell outta -

Dante~~~!

What took ya so long? We've been lookin' all over for ya!

Listen, Dante. You're not gonna believe this! Our bodies were switched all over the place when we woke up!

…….

It can be surmised that the minds of the Sinners have been interchanged with one another due to a cause that is yet to be determined, manager.

The suspected time of occurrence: last night -

Pfftahahaha! L-look at that! Look at that face! Holy crap, this is the funniest thing ever! Right, Dante?

The suspected time of occurrence: last night -

Pffft, I can't. I just can't! How does he do that with a straight face?!

Funniest thing ever...? This...?

<Faust... I need to find Faust...>

Faust is located on the frontmost row of the bus, second seat from the left.

<Th...ank you, but can you point it out for me? I... I can't think straight right now, hearing your voice talking like...>

It will be done, manager.

<Oh boy...>

I couldn't muster the strength to thank him, so I stumbled to the seat that... 'Rodya'... pointed me toward.

Oh.

Manager...

<Faust...! Oh, what a relief. S-so you're okay, huh? What's going - >

ESQUIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<Oh.>

We are so finished...

<Of all people... It had to be Don Quixote. Of all people...>

"Of all people"?! 'Tis quite rude of thee to speak thusly!

Ack, 'tis of no concern! Manager Esquire, forsooth, I have been overcome with quite the odd sensation upon my possession of this body!

I am... awash with a sense of... imbuement by an immense and unparalleled genius! 'Tis as though my eyes have been opened for the first time!

Ah, a clear vision of the future lieth before me - the brave white - ahem, golden-haired one, returning from a most splendid adventure, welcomed by the praise and cheer of the citizenry...

That is unlikely.

Knowledge and certain authorizations beyond thereafter for those in the original body are not transferred to the other merely because their consciousnesses have been switched.

In other words, what you have seen is not the vision of the future, but a display of your vivid imagination.

Ooho! Much have I searched for thee, young Fau - uh, Don Quixote...? Perchance?

Ooh, pray tell, what is this voice in mine head? "Access denied"? Prithee, let it not be a sickness of some sort!!!

... Please, take a seat. This will not be a brief discussion.

<Is this even the time to - >

Ahm, hm.

<Outis...?>

<Wait, no... who... are you...?>

There's a hint of anxiety, coupled with a profound sense of melancholy in her eyes.

Worry not, Dante.

This bizarre circumstance is just as inexplicable as it must be to you, yet we must maintain a calm mind; let us analyze the situation at hand with -

YOU DARE!!!

... 'Yi Sang'... suddenly burst in from the side and... bellowed in what I'd imagine his indignant fury would sound like.

How dare you assume my form and use this opportunity to usurp my position as the Executive Manager's right-hand officer?

Another thing! When using my voice, you will address the Executive Manager by their full title, and not their name like some ignorant fool!

T-that is not - This is but a mistake of the greatest proportions, miss Outis.

Pah! The only great mistake would be to let this slide! How long have you been planning this treachery?!

<S-stop...>

Dante, Dante! Greg's not looking so good... Can ya ask how he's doing?

Ask him yourself, why don't you?

Ah, ya know~ I know we're not like, strangers anymore, but y'know... know what I mean? That funny feeling where when ya bite into one of those special chocolates with something in 'em, but ya don't really know what that something is or where that something is, so ya can't help but feel slightly iffy about giving it a full bite...? I think? Does that make sense?

Fellas... let's stop being so crass for a sec here.

<Make it stop...>

Hey, manager bud... yeah. Welp, somehow, this happened. I haven't a clue as to what's going on, either.

Woke up from a nap and... saw myself over there, looking at my own arm with that same glum look.

That's...

Look, I'm... a seawoman, alright?

And... insect parts just don't... mesh well with the sea, right...?

Greg - I mean, Ishmael mutters with a voice that clearly wished she was anywhere else.

Yeah~ you'll get used to it. Man, this takes me back. I nearly threw up when I saw that in the mirror the first time.

Not the same thing... And like, I was trying to be roundabout about it, okay? Didn't have to just say that outright, making things awkward as hell...

You utter, useless imbeciles! How could any of you let this minor issue of switched bodies bring you all to such disarray?!

A-apologies, all... the voice and the appearance are mine indeed, yet the words are not...

<…….>

I'm in hell.

So this is what he meant by 'you will embark on a trip to the Inferno', huh. This is where it was all leading up to...

I slumped against the side of the bus, having abandoned hope like the rest of ye who boarded it, and let out a sigh as I clutched my painfully throbbing clock.

... I'm going to need some time to gather myself before I even start thinking about a solution.

Some time later...

So, Faust. What do you believe is the cause of this phenomenon?

Hm…

Agh, 'tis quite the bashful occasion! To have so many eyes gaze upon me! Ha ha...

Dammit, I wasn't talking to you! Fine, then... Don Quixote...

Aha! Hast thou summoned me?!

You little...!

Ha. It's a real dog's dinner, innit.

<Everyone, one at a time. Please... I think I might actually go insane if I hear more than three of you talking at once.>

... There is a possible explanation for this.

A meteor which was speculated to shoot over the City on day 250401, dubbed 'W15H', has crossed the City skylines last night.

And there is a rumor that... making a wish upon this particular meteor has a slim chance of bringing it to reality.

Uh... I had no idea that was even a thing...?

Wow! That's some impressive coincidence, isn't it? How so romantic~

No. Just a cliché.

Listen up, culprit, whoever you are! I will give you a chance to give yourself up.

What kind of brainless moron among you made such a ludicrous wish?!

I must apologize for this unideal display...

Give yourself up now, and I will let you off with a light sentencing of three consecutive executions.

<Uh...>

<So um... I think I'm the one who made the wish, Yi Sang... I mean, I Outis.>

…….

Executive Manager? I-it was you?!

<I kinda muttered to myself about how I wished you guys would learn how to be in each other's shoes because... everyone just refused to listen to me during our last hunt...>

Pfft...

What now, Outis? Are you going to cut off your Executive Manager's head?

Having recovered from the initial shock, Ishmael - in Gregor's form - taunted Outis.

Nah~ She wouldn't, right? Besides, what's to say that there's not some other reason out there?

Anyways, manager bud... got any bright ideas?

Huh? Excuse me, Gregor! Don't smoke that! You're in my body!

I'm not gonna light it, okay…? I just need to hold something between my teeth to calm down.

Hehe, what's happened's happened. I think it could be pretty nice to just live on like thi -

Oi, no way, nope. I ain't living in some sheltered lad's scrawny body.

But... I've been working out...

... Whatever!

... Too bad.

Let's K.E and turn the clock.

Hong... uh, Lu... was lighting the eleventh cigarette of the day as she reached over her shoulder.

... Then, realizing that her sword was no longer there, aggressively clicked her tongue. As aggressively as that could sound, anyway.

Hey. My sword. Now. Phoo...

<How are you so comfortable with chainsmoking in someone else's body...?>

Hehe, I don't mind. But huh... this sword is kinda hard to unsheathe.

If you're unsheathing it... better prepare for consequences.

Ryōshū, in Hong Lu's appearance, muttered in a low, cold voice at Hong Lu who, in Ryōshū's appearance, was trying to unsheathe the sword.

Mm~ I'll go with Ryōshū.

Meur...sault sweetly raised her hand.

I have a feeling I know the answer to this already, but... which one?

The one who's Ryōshū right now, 'course~ Can't we just stay like this for a little longer? Kinda feels like a breath of fresh air, don't it...?

... Huh, weird. I thought I had her figured out.

That suggestion requires a mutually collaborative understanding and consent with the switched individual.

Huh? What, don'tcha like my body, Meur?

Ooh~ Or do I call ya Rodya? Gosh, this is so much fun!

... This discussion is not a matter of whether it is 'fun'. It is simply a matter of inappropriate -

Yeah, whatevs. Is it fun~ or is it not~?

<How come I'm the only one who's taking this seriously...?>

Just as my hold to sanity was slowly starting to slip, Don... Quixote... quietly walked up next to me.

Dante.

The best course of action for this moment seems to be to consult Vergilius on this matter.

<... Ah. I guess he's still back there.>

I muttered, looking at the bus's Backdoor.

If the meteor is indeed the cause of this phenomenon, despite the extremely narrow possibility of it being true, it may be... that even your ability cannot restore the Sinners to their respective bodies.

<What...? So you're all just stuck like that forever?>

It was entirely unnecessary of you to repeat this horrible hypothesis as though its veracity is definite, Dante.

I think she... shuddered briefly.

First, I am unable to access Faust... Gesellschaft in my current form.

<... Oh! So that's what Don Quixote meant with "Access Denied" earlier.>

Indeed. Thus, using the current occupant of my body to receive information is not an option.

... I can already imagine their ridicule. This incident will become a subject of repeated discussions even decades past its occurrence.

And I... would very much like to refuse the fate of becoming their laughingstock for decades.

So it would be most appropriate of you to abide by my judgment for the sake of rapid resolution to this unfortunate circumstance.

<So you're primarily motivated by not wanting to get teased to all hell?>

<Okay, fine... but... I guess that's the only solution. Can you come with me to help translate - >

... Find someone else, Dante.

... She looks away.

She appeared vehemently opposed to the idea of appearing before other people in her current form.

<W-well, then. Hong Lu, can you...>

No, C.H. You're asking the wrong person.

<Ah, sorry. I'm still all mixed up. I meant this Hong Lu.>

Okay~

<Uh, yeah... Let's go.>

That's when...

... someone, all of a sudden, kicked the Backdoor open with a loud thud.

…….

Vergilius.

Next to him was Charon. He brushed past the Sinners, who had fallen completely silent in his presence, then slumped down on a seat at the front of the bus.

He looks terribly irritated...

Does he know what's going on?

I guess not, he's not acting any differently from his usual self.

I brought, uh, 'Ryōshū'... to the front of the bus and began.

<Uh... Vergilius. I don't know if you're aware, but... I'll be real and to the point. Something really bad's happened. It's, uh... man, it's a real mess out here, it's really, really, bad...>

Mm, Dante says that they'll be real, to the point, something really bad's happened, it's a real mess out here, and it's really, really, bad. That's a lot of reals, so it must be really urgent! Fuhu.

<Y-you see what I'm talking about, right?! Just listen to the weird way Ryōshū's speaking! Like, she's smiling! When there aren't any dead bodies around!>

Dante asks if you see what they're talking about. Oh, also - am I speaking in a weird way?

…….

Vergilius does not say a word.

He stares at me in utter silence, as though to goad me to continue... or as though he's just as confused as I am about what's going on...

But it also appeared as though he was trying to test me or something, so...

... I began to ramble madly about everything that transpired since I woke up.

<So, uh, where to begin... I-it's kinda my fault, maybe, kind of. In a fit of frustration, I thought some stupid wish, or... said some wish, it doesn't matter. And uh... a W-something... uh, a meteor fell and, the meteor was two-hundred-fifty-thousand...something... and, uhm...>

... Um~

Sorry, Dante. I really couldn't understand a word of that...

…….

Vergilius's expression remains unchanging. He looks up at me with a gaze that is as bone-chilling as ever.

... But there was something different about him.

Oh no.

Can...

There's nothing excluding Vergilius from being a part of this chaos.

Candy... when?

<Oh.>

<No. No, no, no. No. Why are you doing this to me? Don't do this to me.>

Dante...?

Bus driver needs sweets.

No vroom-vroom without candy.

Dante...

What the hell kind of ridiculous wish did you make on the star to put us in this mess…?

I…

Ohhh~ So that's what happened.

Did you bring some candies, Cha... sorry, Vergilius?

I passed out.

Some time later...

Ooh, they're back up again. Oi, get any visions during your beauty sleep? Find a way to put us back?

Dante~ Gosh, Hong Lu kept insisting that we employ the 'D.R.D.R.' method, so it took us some effort to hold 'em back~

Heh. This polearm'll do. Can't promise O.H.K.O, though.

Manager Esquire!!! Behold this mane as white as snow; dost thou recall mine ill-fortuned Princess of the North Snow Plains cosplay attempt?! Verily, 'tis an opportunity most apt for a second attempt at a high qually-tee cosplay!

Denied.

No, no! Still so weak! Puff out your chest and be bold! Push the voice out straight from your gut, go!

Y-you pathetic wimps...!

LOUDER!

Y-you pathet... I... can no longer...

Really? You're gonna do this... now?

Oh, Dante. What'd Vergilius say anyway? I didn't hear the conversation thanks to all the ruckus.

I'm gonna guess he said something about making a report to the higher-ups and asking them to resolve this asap, right?

<…….>

That does not appear to be a feasible solution.

Huh? Why? Bud, you gotta elaborate -

L-look...

Vergilius is... hugging something...

Ah... Kkomi.

... Charon's favorite plush. She really treasures it.

…….

<Does that... explain things?>

Kkomi won't stand no candy. Kkomi said so.

What the hell does that even mean? Won't stand no candy...?

Miss Outis... it seems hardly wise to practice such an inquisition toward miss Charon at the moment...

Pray tell, who is this "Kkomi"?! A villain, from a book?!

Oh, you're not gonna stand it, huh? Oi, don't talk to us like that!

If you ain't gonna stand it, what are you gonna do, huh?

S-stop antagonizing her! We might have to fight V-v-v-Vergilius at this rate...!

Lad! I hear three more stutters, and I'll bash my head in!

Heeugh...!

M-Manager Esquire, 'twould be most wise to avoid battling a Color Fixer...!

The main components comprising Kkomi are 7% cotton fiber, 3% synthetic fiber, and 90% cotton wool. However, considering the force behind it, its physical damage is non-negligible.

The existence of several stitch marks indicate serious combat experience.

My my my~ Verg! You're so cute like this~

K.E.E.L.A.

... Translate.

Kill Everyone, Everyone Lucid Again... she says.

FIEEEE ONNNN THEEEE!!! Wherefore art thou tearing off mine most precious badges?!

... They are distractions.

Hoyday, a most ridiculous notion...! P-prithee, take care, for they mustn't be scratched...!

<Ha ha.>

<Holy shit.>

Wow! Did everyone just hear that? I don't think Dante's ever said anything like - >

Dante, are you well...?

... No candy?

Dammit...! Looks like she's getting ready to engage us in battle!

<... What can we do...?>

... Haaah. D-Dante asks if there... is anything we can do...

Ver...gilius.

... As you must be aware...

... Charon does not know how to utilize the gladius. She has zero fighting knowledge or experience.

This will be the greatest advantage you have, even if you must contend with my body.

It will not be easy... but not impossible.

However, if I ever hear even a toot of any foolishness like...

... "I beat the Red Gaze" anywhere within this bus...

I will make you pay for every letter of every word in your witless boast.

Charon's eyes burned with a threatening aura.

It was almost as though her eyes had turned red...

... Damn.

I think I heard someone indignantly click their tongue, but we decided to disregard that.

... Kkomi's mad.

Bus driver's going on strike.

W-wait. Why are we even fighting a Color right now?! We have zero reason to believe that this'll change anything...!

Fellas... it doesn't seem to me that we have much in the way of options...!

All of you...

Off. The. Bus.